"Take a breath.....Hold it.....Breathe Out...."

You all probably recognize the title as what a CT machine says to you  in a sing-song way when you are laying there on the scanner, warmth wearing off the blankets,  curly cue cord of the IV in your arm ready for contrast to be pushed into you remotely.

I finally got frustrated at my endless night of sleep, listened to my family, and called my doctor a few days ago, telling him I was not able to wake up.  When I made the call, I had gotten out of bed, struggled to the dining table, and was breathless, which his wonderful assistant could hear over the phone.  I told her my big problem was fatigue but she seemed concerned about the breathlessness and hey, at the time, I was really breathless, she was right.  My body had been in bed for more than a week straight, moving and talking on the phone was a struggle, and I had to pause between every word to get air.

Naturally,  they called me into the oncology office to get my blood checked.  Anemia made the most sense. Getting there was a hard task with my exhaustion, particularly getting dressed. Fortunately, my son has not started his new job yet and was able to drive me.   I was afraid I couldn't stay awake on the road, and I felt too weak to drive myself.  When my blood came back as being non-anemic, even in the ranges of you normal people, the doctor scratched his head and sent me off for a chest X-Ray.

Okay, he wasn't actually there so I didn't see him scratch, I'm just assuming.

That X-Ray also came out normal.

I was willing to leave it there. I'm feeling a bit better, awake more; I was up for hours yesterday, and although I have been availing myself of ritalin - it is working unlike before.  I got up at a normal time today, much to my cat's dismay. I'm still lacking in energy in an extreme way, and I feel weak,  but am not sleeping all day. Then his assistant called and left a message, saying the doctor wanted a scan.

In my head, I was thinking maybe a PET so I was okay with that.  To be honest, if anything is wrong with me cancer-wise, it seems like it would be my brain going wonky and wanting to sleep, and I thought maybe a PET would show brain mets.  I was not thinking lung, and I still am not.

But just now, I got the call for the appointment and it is for a chest CT.  With contrast.

This makes maybe my 50th scan and that is not an exaggeration, nor an exact count.  It could even be more considering all the surgeries, radiation, etc, that I've had them for.

I am just not sure I can do another one.  I just ..... can't. They aren't scary or hurtful and they don't make me nervous or anything.  But I'm tired of this.  I'm sick of being in machines.  I'm sick of having to dress, get in the car, go wait in a waiting room, change, get on a machine, little poke, take a breath, hold it, breathe out, okay, here comes the contrast you might feel warmth down there, breathe in hold it breathe out, okay you are done, drink lots of water and no caffeine, get dressed, drive back home........how many times is one woman expected to do this?

Maybe cancer has moved into my lungs.  Or brain.  Maybe I just had some virus.  I'm getting up again, still tired but not sleeping all day.  Maybe it was just a "thing."  Maybe, imaginatively, my body is practicing to die, maybe, practically, the infusions are affecting me, maybe ....maybe.... I don't know.  But I do know that whatever it is, I cannot do one. more. test.  The doctor hasn't seen me.   I am tired of being doctored by machine.   I don't want to do this and I feel like a 3 year old stamping her feet.  I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN!!!!!

I called and talked to my doctor's assistant, told her I was better and didn't feel like I wanted to do a CT, and said unless the doctor had a good reason for it, I was going to cancel my appointment.  She said she'd ask him and let me know.  She did, he said that he'd only ordered it in case the chest x-ray missed something, I know my body best, and so the CT is cancelled.

The lesson for me is:  DO NOT CALL MY DOCTOR if I feel sick but am not in danger of imminent death. My problem was sleeping, and it got translated into breathlessness, which is understandable because that's what they could hear, but then I was going down the wrong road.

Which barely matters, because all roads lead one place:  machines.   And, right now, I am so over CT machines.  So so over them....

Breathe Out........




Oh, and you are welcome insurance company, I just saved you $7,000.00.