Getting Close

"If you knew that hope and despair were paths to the same destination, which would you choose?" ~Robert Brault

I went to work yesterday. I realized I am taking a chance but by getting sick, I left unexpectedly and didn't want to leave too many things undone for my substitute. I was very surprised by a gift of cash along a long sheet of butcher paper signed by my coworkers. The cash amount was large and I'm pretty stunned at the outpouring of support, both financial and emotional. The money will pay for quite a few days of my family staying in a SF hotel, which had been something we were concerned about. I have posted the sign in the hallway to my bedroom so I can see positive affirmations each night as I go to bed. People have also generously offered me childcare for my youngest, among other things, all of which are so kind.

I work with great people, in a great school, and that is why I love my job.

It looks like the surgery is a go. My cold is clearing up and is not moving into my chest. I am not sneezing or coughing. The worst is that it seems to be in the larynx and my voice is shaky but that isn't dangerous. I have taken today and tomorrow off work just in case - I don't want to go in and catch something new. But as it stands I'm strong enough for surgery.

My legs - my thighs - are weak. I don't understand it. I thought it was post-flu weakness but it has not gone away. It's making some of the household things I wanted to do difficult. I began thinking the cancer was growing fast in the liver and causing it, but I got a call from the doctor today that my latest scan showed I'm holding steady - no new growth. My bloodwork is good and they will see me at 6:00 a.m on Monday.

I confess, this surgery is making me nervous. The recovery part of it makes me nervous. I've been through surgery before and not had the easiest time, and this is the mother of all surgeries. But, I will get through it.

I will be cancer-free. And, I will dance at my youngest son's wedding.

Okay, I suck as a dancer, so I probably won't.

But, I'll be there.


(I owe an apology. I was sent the book, When Cancer Hits Home, to review. It was a well-written book - by an oncologist - that gives you an excellent overview of the top cancers and standard of care treatment. But, this surgery came up much quicker than I expected, so I have not completed my review. I will. In the meantime, it's a good book. Buy it.)