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Monday, May 23, 2011

Oops




I spoke too soon. It's true that no news is good news, but I arbitrarily made up the date when I thought no news would actually BE good news.

I was just a teeny bit off.

I got a call from my oncologist's office today, wanting to set up an appointment. I asked his secretary if it was my ovaries, and she said no, that they'd found a spot on my liver.

I have an appointment at 10:45 on Wednesday, and I have no idea what to expect or what's next.

Here's the thing about being a cancer vet. I was a lot calmer hearing this news - even though it could mean a stage IV diagnosis - than I was when I heard the news the first time. Yeah, I was freaked out and my heart was pounding and I was shaking, but only for about five minutes. Then I went back to work. I calmed down and soldiered on.

(I used the word soldier instead of carry to keep the battle/breast cancer cliche's going. Didn't want you to miss that.)

Now, tomorrow I might go in and I may discover I spelled the name of the Superintendent of schools wrong in the email I composed to her, or I may find I accidentally cancelled all my subs, or maybe set something on fire. But, to the best of my knowledge, after the initial freak-out, I'm okay.

They found a spot on my arm once too - it was nothing. This could also be nothing. Cysts happen on livers too, and we all know that I'm a cyst making machine.

I was going to post the recipe from Sheryl Crow's book, but I find I've lost my appetite. I know you have too. I'll do it tomorrow.

Wish me luck.
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22 comments:

  1. AnonymousMay 23, 2011 at 4:53 PM

    Ann-I know it's really easy for someone who this is not happening to to tell you to take a deep breath and not panic, but I can tell you from experience that a spot on the liver is not necessarily cancer. My husband had a liver biopsy for suspected liver cancer, and it turned out to be a fatty liver. The biopsy was not fun-I won't lie-and the whole experience scared the crap out of both of us-but I wanted to let you know that there can be other reasons for "spots" on the liver besides cancer. Wishing you strength and calmness and benign results.
    Mary

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  2. AnonymousMay 23, 2011 at 5:11 PM

    Ann-I too had a "spot on my liver" found during the initial CT scan at diagnosis and it turned out to be nothing but a spot on my liver (cyst).

    Wishing you lots of strength and sending you a big ass hug.

    Keep us posted and let us know what you need from us your bloggie readers.

    Nicola

    seafevergirl@hotmail.com

    PS i drink my morning coffee out of a lovely red mug that says "keep calm and carry on".

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  3. HMMay 23, 2011 at 5:21 PM

    (Long time lurker, first time commenter) I'm so sorry to hear this! Of course they waited until after you blogged about it for maximum awkwardness.

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  4. CarolineMay 23, 2011 at 6:19 PM

    Well crap. I could use other words but they wouldn't be repeatable. Nothing like a trip around the cancer roller coaster to destroy one's vocabulary. I also have a lovely thingy on my liver or three - they are benign hemangiomas (which are defined as thingys) and required all sorts of tests to figure out what they are. I have a thingy in my lungs as well that has been xrayed regularly for 30 years but is stressful anyway.. So sending positive thoughts and hoping for the best.

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  5. Ann aka ButDoctorIHatePinkMay 23, 2011 at 6:39 PM

    Thanks all. It's good to know that a CT doesn't show anything definitively. Knowing me, it's just a zit. I've been plagued with them my entire life, why not one on my liver?

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  6. fshnvctmMay 23, 2011 at 6:50 PM

    Ann, you are always in my thoughts.
    Annabelle

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  7. AnonymousMay 23, 2011 at 7:02 PM

    Hi Ann, I have been following you for a while. You and I had similiar timelines with finishing Hereceptin last December. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. You are an inspiration and have gotten to smile through many a tough moment. Sending positive vibes your way. - Mary

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  8. ~ KMay 23, 2011 at 8:32 PM

    Sending positive vibes and prayers for you! I know this is maddening. Hey! We met just one year ago this week! I just realized that! Thanks for a year of laughs and giggles (but I'm not laughing now). This has to be nothing. It just HAS to be! Wednesday can't be here soon enough.

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  9. Sara BMay 23, 2011 at 10:15 PM

    Anne, I hope that this "spot" is nothing. I will be praying! I'm glad that you are calm...You are so strong, and remember that we are here to support you!!

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  10. CancerCultureChroniclesMay 24, 2011 at 4:26 AM

    Well that just sucks! Thinking of you... xxx

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  11. AnonymousMay 24, 2011 at 6:23 AM

    I wish you well & hope this is a false alarm. valleycat1

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  12. Sweet MangoMay 24, 2011 at 8:32 AM

    Dear Ann- Like you said, I am hoping for a 'zit', cyst, something very benign. Sending positive energy your way. - S.M.

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  13. nancyspointMay 24, 2011 at 9:29 AM

    Ann, Suddenly a cyst sounds pretty appealing. I'm hoping it turns out to be nothing. I'll be thinking about you on Wednesday too, Ann.

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  14. StaceyMay 24, 2011 at 10:08 AM

    Sending cyst vibes your way. I'm thinking of you.

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  15. Ann BegunMay 24, 2011 at 12:31 PM

    Oh, Ann. Hoping this turns out to be just another good story to tell. You certainly can't say your life is dull! Sending good thoughts!

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  16. DonnaMay 24, 2011 at 6:07 PM

    Ann -- I am an ovarian cancer survivor -- 12 years -- and at some point they said I had "something" on my liver. It turned out to be a cyst, and they said almost everybody has them. What a relief! Wishing you the same.

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  17. Ann aka ButDoctorIHatePinkMay 24, 2011 at 6:30 PM

    Thanks for all of your supportive words, ladies. Quick question - were any of you who had a spot on your liver that ended up benign - had you had scans on it in the recent past? That's what's making me slightly nervous- that five months ago there was nothing there. We all know HER2 grows fast. But, you all are very right, these things often turn out to be nothing. Nobody gets scanned and has a pure body. :)

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  18. KarenMay 24, 2011 at 7:12 PM

    Praying for you, friend! Lots of times the spots turn out to be nothing. Thanks for keeping us posted!

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  19. Amy in FLMay 25, 2011 at 6:00 AM

    oh ann...i've been following your blog since my diagnosis 10/09. sending good thoughts your way and crossing my fingers that this recent development is benign. cysts, like anything else, have to start sometime, right? i had unexplained lower back pain recently that i'd half-convinced myself was bone mets, but thankfully it wasn't.

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  20. Heather AMay 25, 2011 at 3:28 PM

    Shitty stuff. I sure hope it turns out NOT to be that which we often dare not say. This cancer (there, I said it) business is constantly messing with our heads. Since when should people be praying for cysts?! Well, now, I guess. I'll be praying for a cyst for you. Sheesh!

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  21. debbyMay 25, 2011 at 5:58 PM

    You know Ann, reading about your belly, I worried, because my belly was getting huge. I have to say that this news is upsetting. I feel badly for you, but I also find, selfishly, that I am worrying about myself.

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  22. Ann aka ButDoctorIHatePinkMay 25, 2011 at 6:09 PM

    Debby, of course you are worried about yourself. Perfectly natural. Get it checked out. But, my doctor thinks that my big belly has nothing to do with the lesions on the liver. They didn't find anything in there (acites, etc) that would cause that symptom. I guess I am, indeed, just gaining weight. :)

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