Growing Suspicions

August, 2009

Being turned away for a regular mammogram sparked something in me, even though nobody had even seen my breasts.  I did call my doctor to get the right orders, then I turned to my old friend, google.

"hard breast lump, indentation, dimple"

6,740 results in 0.58 seconds and all of them landing on breast cancer sites.

I totally didn't like that result, so I add  "+cyst."  Still getting all kinds of breast cancer sites.

I try a new tactic and do a google image search (breast dimple) to find a picture of what my breast looks like so I can see other non-cancerous weird breast shapes.

I suggest you not try that search as there is some horrible hole you can get in your butt that shows up with those search terms, and I had to see those photos dozens of times before I found a picture similar to my breast indendation:

Here is what I see:

 

Except, it's on the right side of the nipple, but kind of in the same place. 

And yeah, that is from a cancer site. 

My lump is painful, which I find out is a good sign as cancer doesn't hurt. 

Except when it does.

Over the next week, I become obsessed with that lump.  I'm constantly feeling it.  I'm like a 14 year old male getting to 2nd base for the first time.  I'm pinching, squeezing, inspecting.  I google cancer symptoms then check:  is it movable?  No, it doesn't seem to be.  Squishy?  Nope.  Is it attached to the skin?  Hard to say, but I can't really pinch above the lump. Attached to the chest wall?  I dig around to try and find out.    I look at the skin close up, and it's darkened above the lump.  Is that because of my manhandling?  I don't know.  The skin appears a little bit dimpled, which I learn is called peau de' orange, or orange peel.  I'm not SURE if I  have peau de' orange or if I'm imagining it. The skin does look different though.

What I am sure of is I have cancer.  Just as I was 110% sure it was a cyst before my phantom mammogram -  after my hours of googling, I was 110% sure in the other direction.

I have breast cancer.